Realm Exposed

Copyright 2019 Jeff Buehler - All Rights Reserved

When the realm of faerie finally decided to expose itself, everything really went to shit. My understanding of it is that there were simply too many of them, and when the magick that kept them hidden got stretched too thin they had little choice but to expose themselves... but what do I know, I'm just a fucking plumber. I fix peoples pipes for a living, and I did a pretty damn good job of it, but now there are these damn little people all over the place and I can't seem to concentrate on anything at all. Luckily I'm in good company- everyone I know has been walking around in a daze for the better part of a year. Manhattan is full of half-zombies that used to call themselves professionals. Nobody knows what they are doing anymore.

Now, a person might think that having a world full of the once thought mythical little people would be pretty sweet, and there is something to that. I mean, most of them are pretty cute. It's like having flowers flying around from place to place making these little cooing noises of contentment... mostly, anyway. Some of them are just plain scary, but at first it was nice. Myth validated and all that crap. Here we are about ten months later, though, and it really sucks bum ass. Simply put, there are too many of the buggers, and they have their little noses into everything now. There's a fairy for anything you can imagine and a bunch of things you probably can't. I was on my back behind a particularly nasty clogged toilet the other day for this building, and this little shiny white shitheel appears right in front of my face and makes a “plink” sound like a turd hitting water, and I jump slamming my head into the tank above me. “What the..?!” I start to say, and it just looks at me like it wants something.

I tell it to go away, and it says in this cute little voice, “What are you doing big monkey thing?”

“I'm fixing the goddamned toilet you little fucker.” I says to it. The balls on these things is unbelievable, but if you mess with them they get all crazy and they can mess you up but bad, but I'll tell you about that later.

Anyway, it floats there for a second and says “My toilet. My sink. My bathtub. Go away, big monkey thing.” Then a light bulb goes off (a dim one in my case): this thing is a fucking porcelain fairy. But not just any porcelain fairy, oh no, it is the fairy of the porcelain in this very bathroom and no other.

“Fer chrissake...” I moaned, getting myself up off the floor. Now getting me up off the floor ain't so easy as it sounds when I've been all shoved under a sink or behind a toilet. I weigh in at a svelte 230 pounds, don't ask me for none of them kilos or kiligrams or whatever cause I don't know nothing about the metric system. Pounds are just fine by me thank you anyway. Being that I measure in at 6 feet 1 inches tall I guess that makes me, well, maybe a bit fat, although there's some muscle there too. So I get myself up and this thing just stays even with my face just looking at me. It looks like a little porcelain flying fag thing that I might have bought for my 4 year old daughter once upon a f'ing time (when she was still 4). Once I'm up I says to it “Look, I got me a job to do here, buddy. I know you are the keeper of the porcelain or what the hell ever, but I'm getting paid by the person that owns this porcelain and you need to let me do my work, cause if I don't then your porcelain is not going to do what it is meant to do and that would be a sin against nature and stuff, so hows about you let me fix it. I promise to be nice and gentle, okay little faerie guy?”

So then this thing, the goddamned mother f'ing porcelain fairy, crosses it arms like my mama about to give me the spoon, the big wooden spoon, and its lower lip quivers. Then it says “Hurumph” and flits off to start rubbing the sink, just floating there with its little humming bird type wings spit shining the sink and looking at me the whole time.

I get back to work, but the thing is creeping me out looking at me like that, so I says “Hey, little toilet keeper, that thing would be a whole lot shinier if you was looking at it rather than at me, right, and I triple promise to be nice and gentle with the old throne here. It's kinda hard to work with you starin' at me like that...” and that seems to work.

See what I mean, though? Hows a guy to work under pressure like that. Now just imagine that there's one of those things for everything you can imagine on Gods green earth and you might start to get the picture. Sure, you have your standard flower fairies, keeping dandelions and the like doing whatever it is that they do, and fairies for each and every kind of tree you can imagine. There's a faerie for different kinds of water, like lakes and rivers, ponds and pools, and you know I'm okie fuckin' dokey with that. But did you know that each and every pool, tree and flower pretty much has its own fairy now? Once those were all taken then we had fuckhole fairies even for ideas, like this story I heard about a guy that was kidnapped in some Central American shit hole. Nobody back home had enough donuts to pay his ransom, so it looked like his time was up. He says right before they put a bullet in his brain, though, he heard a big commotion, some shots and screams, and when he peeks out from his blindfold he sees the room covered in blood and guts. I mean, like somebody just came in and massacred every scumbag in the room except the kidnapped guy. Then he sees this little fairie on the floor, a little girl looking one with wings, and she says to him “Hi! I'm the fairy of be nice to others or else!” and then she flies off leaving him there sort of half tied up, and all psychologically screwed up. What the fuck is that? I mean, what next when the good deed fairie ideas run out? Am I gonna wake up soon and see the fairie of “Hi! I'm the fairie of blow the brains outta fat plumbers! Have a nice day!” and boom my clients all have overflowing but well polished, shiny toilets?

The one thing about the fairies I still like is that they fuck like rabbits, and although they aren't all hetero, most of them are, thank the lord for small favors. They mostly don't care if you stand there and watch, so we all get tiny little fairy porno 24/7 whether we like it or not. The female fairies are mostly damn sexy, even if most of the active ones look like little skin and bone teenagers. Now don't get me wrong. I like my women mature if any kinda naked is involved (not that I hardly remember fer chrissake), but these fairies don't keep years anything like we humans do. I don't really understand how it all works exactly, but I guess if they look sixteen they are actually something over a hundred. If they look old then they were around when my great great grandparents great great grandparents were thinking about taking each others clothes off, not that I want to think much about that. I hate to wax amused at the pain of others, but apparently early on before anyone knew better some number of censorship types got dosed with faerie magic when they tried to break up some copulation. I mean, a few religious or prudish types decided to take offense at a little uninhibited fairy coitus, decided to fairy interuptis, and now they walk around with elephant sized sex organs (or mousey ones) or some shit. If they walk around at all. Oopsey. So far God hasn't come down and shrunk any testicles back down to hiking size, so I think the faeries made their point.

Anyway, not sure what to do about all this, but something has gotta happen. It's not like you can just go around messing with these things, like I was saying. Killing them isn't so tough if you can actually get your hands on one, but its easier to catch a mosquito with chopsticks. Even worse, once they decide you got it out for them, they take a little of that magick dust of theirs and find really fucked up ways of making you sorry. Who woulda known that a little thing no bigger than my johnson would be able to come up with the scary creative shit these things think up. This friend of mine, he’s an asshole but he’s my friend the asshole, had a run in with a fairy that decided it liked his wifes hair. The thing was the Fairy of Her Ladies hair or some crazy shit like that, and old Ted decides he’s had enough of the thing biting him every time his hand gets near his wifes sizable coiffure and he swats at the thing. Big, big mistake. At first everything seemed fine, but apparently now whenever Ted gets some Z's his hair grows a bit faster than normal. Not just on his head, but all over his body. So now Ted wakes up with something like 10 foot long hair on his ass, arms, legs, chest and so on. His face, head and pubes apparently are more of a problem and grow a lot faster than that. It takes him two or three hours of cutting just to get in the shower, and another coupla hours to make himself presentable. Needless to say I don't see much of Ted these days, but he has a good cry with me on the phone every once inna fucking while, like every other day. Stupid ass.

None of this is helped by the fairies attitude about all this. They really only care about whatever it is they are designed for, or however they get assigned their life project. Ted begs the hair fairy to stop his hair growing all the time and according to him it just says “Ted bad but much better with long hair! I like hair on Ted!” and I guess that's pretty much that. Goddamn fairies. So that's pretty much where things are at right now here in the good old US of A, but I heard that they ain't much better, or maybe even worse, in places like France. Who woulda thought a buncha frenchies would have problems with fairies? I heard this story about this building in France that got saddled with some new type of fairy nightmare. Now, this is the first I've heard of this, but I guess this fairy thinks it responsible for all the animals, and by that I mean cats, dogs, cockroaches, rats, you name it, everything but humans, in the building. So here you have all these Frenchies with their pets that are suddenly answering to this pest about how they treat their kitty Sprinkles or whatever. I heard that this one lady there has lost three fingers and a toe because the fairy said her pooch wasn't being fed right or some shit and snatched them right offa her when she slept. I don't know if that stories true, but it wouldn't surprise me at all, not even a bit, if these things started eating bits and pieces of we big monkey folk just for looking at them the wrong way.

So leave it to the Federal dumbasserment of the USA to talk a lot and do absolutely shit about this. Last I heard they was trying to get some secret special operations group together to do something. I'm guessing this something amounted to them secretly having their special asses handed to them since I haven't heard a goddamned word about them since.

Well, I left the apple for warmer climes since the economy shrank into one tiny hard little rabbit turd. Florida was never really my thing, but just yesterday I heard the first good piece of news in a long time. Some group of geeks (god bless their pencil necked hides) in California got it together enough to create some sort of anti-faerie field generator. This wasn't the first dumb assed idea to come out of people since the whole faerie thing started looking ugly, but it was the first dumb assed idea that actually worked, and that's a big deal, because all of a sudden the fairies started acting a bit more respectful to we technology minded monkey things. At first it was business as usual... “Leave my garbage alone, fat human,” about a week after I got to Florida, and so my garbage literally prevented me from using my back stairs as it filled up the small landing there. I stopped using the kitchen since there was no more room for garbage. At least it looked good while it rotted there, neat little stacks and strange design ideas that Martha Stuart would love if she were into garbage decoration.

Foink, thats my garbage fairies name, was industrious. None of my neighbors above or below had touched their garbage either; Foink had scared all of them. At least the stink wasn't all my fault. Anyway, after about a month after this anti-faerie field was out Foink and my other fairie friends started getting a lot more cooperative. My neighbors and I finally got the back stairwell cleared, one landing at a time as Foink carefully oversaw the whole operation and had us move the trash carefully to the back yard of the apartment. So much for weekend fucking barbecues but I ain't complaining now that the stink is gone.

I consider myself lucky. I still don't have a single bathroom faerie (yet). Other than Foink all I have around is, lessee... Tirallee, Gromk and one I call Jimmy that won't tell me his name. Jimmy won't talk to me at all, but he glares a lot. He has a thing about shoes and hes always messing with mine, either tying the laces, cleaning them up or some other faerie thing. I have to be very careful when I put my shoes on since he sometimes falls asleep in a shoe. He's a pretty good sort. We mostly leave each other alone. Tirallee is a looker, but something is not right in faerie land cause her favorite thin to do is watch me get dressed or undressed and titter to herself. It's goddamn irritating.

At first I kinda liked it... she ain't half bad looking for a four inch tall girl with wings, but after awhile it started to bug me, and now it makes me crazy. I asked her to cut it out, and she scowled at me and waggled a finger. She waits til I'm naked, then says to me things like “You need to get exercise fat man,” and “Jump up!”or “Bend over!” like I'm a trained dog. When I don't do what she asks, and I never do, she scowls even more and starts hiding my shit when I'm in the shower, or sleeping. I woke up one day and she had hidden all of my clothes except for one t-shirt and a pair of dirty boxers that were in the hamper. She had left all my shoes, probably a nod to Jimmy. A closet full of clothes, and all of the clothes in my large dresser, gone. She had even taken the clothes I had left on the floor and draped across a chair and the end of the bed. The t-shirt she left me said “If you can read this I don't need to wash it yet.” I lost it and started banging doors and stuff looking for my clothes, and kept looking until I was exhausted. Finally after about thirty minutes I found some of my clothes in the refrigerator and the freezer in my kitchen. I broke a jar of pickles all over the damn floor pulling clothes out. Five minutes later I found the rest of them stuffed into the oven so firmly I had trouble pulling them out. My three decent suits were crumpled messes. My ties were all in the microwave.

Anyway, I was talking about the anti-faerie field generator. So now Tirallee just hovers in mid air while I undress or shower and titters like she did in the beginning. I still badly want to crush her, but at least shes not hiding my shit anymore. I think she and Foink know about the anti-faerie field thing and are a little scared so I plan on finding out more.

Finally there's Gromk. Gromk is technically not a faerie but rather a... well, something else. When I ask Foink about him he just says “Oh Gromk not a faerie stupid person!” Like I give a shit. The only good thing about Gromk is that hes lazy, thank you Jesus. He lies around most of the time cutting tiny little faerie-land farts and kicking his leg in his sleep. He looks like a little grey figure made out of some kind of knotty wood. I got up close to him one day when he fell asleep in a bowl I left on the counter, and he has mossy hair, and a mossy little Quaker beard. He's also got pointy teeth. When I try talking to him he just makes little grunty wheezy noises. Sometimes growls at me if I get too close. He doesn't seem to actually do anything... the worst thing about Gromk is he leaves little steaming piles of shit all over the house and eats my food if I leave it out. I haven't seen any change in his behavior after this anti-faerie field came out. Big surprise there. Why can't I get a faerie of clean up Gromk shit I wonder?